Dear Lady,

It’s high time we stop this nonsense of you trying to cook.  You…are a baker, not a cook, there’s a difference!  I realize you’re trying to do the right thing.  In the roles that have evolved over time in the house, it makes the most sense that you are in charge of meals.  But your family is not expecting fancy.  No one is expecting an elaborate entree every night.  This is not a restaurant!  Your attempt at new recipes…can we say, EPIC FAIL?!?!?!  And did you not notice that when you improvise the ingredients because the red wine vinegar you have in the closet is expired since 2016, it’s a disaster?  I’m sure if you looked up the alternatives for red wine vinegar it would NOT be Balsamic Vinegar!  Along the lines of ingredients, can you stick to basic shit like garlic?  Maybe throw in some pepper?  Something like smoked paprika should probably not be used by a novice.  I know your family loves to come home from a long day and not worry about what to make for dinner.  But when their choice is “prison food”…did you ever wonder why your house goes through so much cereal?  They don’t want to hurt your feelings but I can’t watch this travesty anymore.  Meatloaf…have at it, that ‘s your specialty even if it gives everybody gas.  Tacos…even better!  Let’s leave things like broccoli rabe and roasted almonds in fresh tomato sauce to the professionals.  Better yet, if you think you need the food processor, you’re WAY out of your league!

Love, The Fly On The Wall